Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
