my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
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