i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
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