Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
