i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize