then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
jump out the window naked night went bad
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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