Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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