i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize