Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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