was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
