We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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