1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
