so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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