first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
