Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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