Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
