I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
