He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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