I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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