I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
