I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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