I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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