it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
