remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
My Higher Power is John Stamos
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
