In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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