i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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