When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
3 2 1 whiskey
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
