Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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