If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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