I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize