im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
True strength comes from lack of pants
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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