you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
