Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
