I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
