I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Randomize
