Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
