I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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