Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
