he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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