Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
