I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
