Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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