I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
