Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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