i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
