I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
