My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
