where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
