Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
