If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
