I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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