i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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