You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
