The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
