I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
