i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
