i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
