Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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