Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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