WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
The best revenge is premature balding
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
