i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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