new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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