Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
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