They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
