I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
